There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
