I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
