Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Too much gin, very little bucket
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
