I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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