did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
