he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
