My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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