I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
