Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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