Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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