"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
