Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
