My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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