Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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