what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
