Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
