there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
