Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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