Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
