I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize