I got chris browned last night
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
