WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
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Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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