insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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