She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
