So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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