Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize