i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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