Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
