Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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