I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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