so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
