I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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