Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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