I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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