My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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