You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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