did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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