tonight lets celebrate not being married
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
