everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
