i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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