Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
