Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
