Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i think i just lost a toe
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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