Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
