We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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