you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
