Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
