cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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