You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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