I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
