I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
