i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
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