WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
