I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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