Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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