his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
