i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
