I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
