I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
