Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My vagina is very pro this idea
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